Sta.sh
Another wave goodbye out of an additional office
With an over-comfortable sinking couch
And decorations hiding the purpose of the room,
When the room is there for torture.
"Have you had suicidal thoughts?"
"Is there any history of drug or alcohol abuse?"
"Do you feel like hurting yourself or someone else?"
The questions are always the same.
And according to routine, I politely answer with a "Yes."
It's a boring but easy task
Until they approach that one single question,
"Why do you cut yourself?"
When it is me who should ask.
Every time there's that lingering silence
And he or she looks up at me from their paper
But as usual, I am unable to answer.
Why do I cut myself?
I want to say, "Hell if I know,"
But that's just it. I do know,
But it's never the response they want to hear.
I start with saying that I enjoy the sight of blood.
"Hmm... ever consider becoming a doctor?"
...is what each one has said. And no, I don't.
Then I say that pain helps me sleep when I'm restless.
But each answer never seems to be the one they're looking for.
Maybe if they could just tell me the answer
Because I'm apparently not the one who knows!
"Do you do it at times you feel numb?"
I suppose that used to be true when I was younger.
But as I evolved, so did the habits.
I tell them that and they basically ask the same thing.
"What do you feel when you cut yourself?"
That's when I catch myself saying,
"I feel amazing," very rudely, practically screaming,
"What the Hell do you think?!"
And the cycle goes on and on with reworded questions.
"Mhm. Yeah. I know," anything to skip me through
All the pointless advise I've heard before.
I used to listen of course, until none of it worked.
So now I end the session with a slight interruption,
"I hope you realize that I do not feel any of this anymore.
I recognized that cutting doesn't solve a thing."
Yep, go on and smile.
I'll return the favor with a handshake
And walk out of the door with a "Thank you."
Then I never look back.
Oh therapist, I wish I could tell you
That this is the real world
That scars and pain are a part of life
But sadly, I'm not the one who's there to give advise.
Lie. Lie. Lie. Then maybe lie again.
Unfortunately that's the only way to get me out of being an outpatient.
I can't stay forever, it'll take me longer than a lifetime
To end it, even for the slightest chance.
'This is my body and this is who I am.'
But on the final day, instead of saying that,
I announce my 'accomplishments' to the room.
"Thank you so much for everything.
My life has changed and I will miss all of you."
Oh, all the lies...
And then another wave goodbye.
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I also like your take on what's going on inside the cutters head. I know that I used to think that a therapist could help me, but after a while I realized I had to change it myself, on my own terms.
about you...i don't know how much of this actually happend to you, but if you can write it down and can talk about it, you made the first step on a better way.
You seem(?) set on your 'explanation'(s) of why you 'cut' yourself? .... It seems to 'bother' you that you DO 'cut' yourself? .... Would that be a 'correct' assumption on my part? .... For, why else would you 'go' to such a professional above unless it DID bother you? ....
As an OLD geezer of 61 years, from my own 'personal' life travels and witnessing of many others, I see MANY folks who 'hurt' themselves ... Via 'cutting', 'drinking', 'drugs', 'sex', 'food', etc ... EACH taken to it's EXTREME is a NON HEALTHY 'response' to an issue/problem as I see it ....
IF you have the 'answers' to your 'cutting', then save yourself the time and money and grief in seeing other professionals and deal with it the best you can or desire to do such, kind soul ....
At some point, we each must figure out 'life' as it's been 'dealt' to us .... To this simpleton man's way of thinking, once one KNOWS something, one can no longer claim 'ignorance' of such issue(s) and complain of their 'lot' in life ....
IF you WANT to CHANGE something BADLY ENOUGH, it's been MY personal and life experiences that one WILL change most times ....
I guess, in all my honest attempt above, it comes down to one BASIC situation: YOU decide what YOU do or don't do .... Stop blaming the shrinks or anyone else in life for your issues, kind soul ....
Either deal with them the best you can and seek HELP from WHATEVER venue(s) you feel MOST COMFORTABLE with/from, or make the BEST of your 'situation' if that is what YOU feel BEST for you ....
It just seems above that you want it both ways .... You want to go TO folks for 'help' but then deride their attempts at such 'help'? ....
If you have the 'answers', you have the ability to repair things in your life within reason ....
I HOPE the BEST for you, KIND SOUL ... Life is too short to 'suffer' endlessly ....
The PAST is what makes you what and who you are ... One must UNDERSTAND their PAST to understand WHY and WHERE they are presently, but one should not 'dwell' on their past or live in it's misery on a continuing basis ....
It's like you are drowning in a lake and you are yelling for 'help' but then when someone rows your way or extends an oar to get you in their boat, you fail to take said 'offer' and even decry their helpful attempts? ....
As you said above, YOU KNOW WHY you 'cut' ... So, that being understood, you can EITHER FIX your situation or keep on wallowing in it .... Just my simpleton thoughts ....
I WISH for you a GOOD and LONG life, KIND SOUL ... My BEST always .... LilRedWagon.
A more 'serious' creation o' mine that has WORKED WELL for THIS OLD man in HIS life ....
My BEST again to .... LRW